"Darla, that looks finger licking good! I'm starting to get 'hongry' again!" Aw, hell. Just skip to 3:53. It's the comedy gold we're all waiting to guffaw/shake our lowered heads in shame over.



I have three things to say about Mr. T hawking Flavor Waves:

1) Clearly I'm late. This hilarious hilarity has been on the air for at least a year, and somehow I've missed out on poot-inducing laughter for this long.

2) I am not mad at Mr. T for parlaying his mid-80s fame into a lucrative infomercial/video game/candy bar* peddling career. Kudos!

3) If you watched a little further than the section about his pity, you saw the host, "Darla", carefully placing some Flavor Wave bling around Mr. T's neck in some sort of cable access TV knighting.

Now, before I end here, I must show you the Snicker's commercial* you probably never saw. I'm not sure how it was offensive to the gay community but, apparently, it was.



That's right. He said "jibber jabber." You may call your friends now.

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Shakespeare was a bad-ass dude. You and I both know it. He helped shape the way theater is performed -- and perceived. He inspired poets and playwrights worldwide. He is haunting high-schoolers and their summer reading lists at this very moment.

But, did you know that (and I take full responsibility for the mind blowing that is about to occur) Shakespeare is in the business of possession?! OK, well, maybe I'm exaggerating just a skosh, but he has affected much of what you say on a daily basis, and you had no freakin' idea! (So, maybe the "possession" thing isn't so far fetched, after all.) You're just his marionette, and old Bill is pulling your mouth strings to say his made-up little phrases.* Things like:

All that glitters is not gold

Bated breath

Dead as a doornail

Fancy-free

Fool’s paradise

For goodness’ sake

Good riddance

Heart of gold

In a pickle

Knock knock! Who’s there?

Laughing stock

Love is blind

Naked truth

Neither rhyme nor reason

One fell swoop

Star-crossed lovers

Pomp and circumstance

Pound of flesh

Primrose path

Too much of a good thing

Wear my heart upon my sleeve

What’s in a name?

Wild goose chase

The world’s my oyster

Boom! In your face! You thought your mom coined those little tidbits, didn't you? Well, she didn't. Big Willy did. So take that.

Much of the things your friend convinced you that he "came up with" were first said long, long ago by someone a lot smarter. But it's true that new words are added to the dictionary every year as we begin to communally accept new terms (like when "friend" became a verb). It's what helps our language evolve. It's what allows different generations to communicate with each other in inventive ways that are now -- through social media, the mass production of books, blogs and so much more -- indelible in the history of our world.

Now, before you go repeating infamous terms like "Internets" and "refudiate", remember that not all words that make it into pop culture are fit for public use. If you wanna be sure you're coming off clever (and not clueless), keep copying Shakespeare. He's tried and true. With that said, "all's well that ends well." Deuces.

*Thanks to Pioneer Woman for the great list! (http://thepioneerwoman.com/homeschooling/2010/06/twenty-interesting-things-about-shakespeare/)

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You’ve heard of people talking in their sleep, right? Walking? Thanks to Ambien, it’s been alleged that some people even drive in their sleep. Well, have I got a new one for you. My daughter, the beautiful love of my life that she is, has taken her sleepy-time craziness to a whole new level with – get this – sleep vomiting. That’s right. Early-morning earling. Pre-dawn puking. Unconscious upchucking.

The little princess woke up this morning completely grossed out by the puddle the “dog” had left smack dab in the middle of her desk. Mr. Do Right and I had the same confused response to her horrified cries: “How did Guapo [our 6.5 pound Chihuahua] get up to your desk?!” She answered, without missing a beat, “My chair is right there!”

Well, believe me, what was on that desk was more than the entire contents of poor Guapo’s body cavity at any given time. It was looking more and more like our little canine had nothing to do with this messy package. He was an innocent bystander who was oblivious to the plot being built around him.

Just when we were about to accept her explanation for the gastric grossness, we heard the dog bark … from his kennel … in the basement … where he’d been all night. When the princess realized it couldn’t have been the doggie, she gasped at her latest sleepwalking escapade. She cleaned up the mess, all the while shaking her head and retching. Repeatedly.

Now, not that this is relevant at all, but I’ve just gotta put it out there. It’s all Mr. Do Right’s fault. He passed the gene along, marking my children with this affliction. He’s the crazy sleep-talking/sleep-arguing/night terror-having/looking-for-elves-behind-our-headboard bestower of crazy. I simply manage the crazy that surrounds me.

So, dear followers of mine, pray for the future wives and husband of my children, that they may be blessed with patience of Hillary Clinton, the nurturing spirit of the Jolie-Pittses and the wisdom of Dr. Phil. They’ll need it all.

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